5/4/10

waving your guns / at somebody new

i'm really sick of the daily struggle to feel alright. I've been drinking too much lately, and it's embarrassing. I dunno. fuck it.

i'm all clogged up and filthy. i feel so typical, like there's a hundred other motherfuckers out there that could rise up to replace me if i were to fall off the edge of the world. I'm not crying for help here, that's undignified and i've got a thing about making people worry.

i stopped believing in ghosts about the same time i stopped worrying about them. i can't really tell cause from affect there. it's murky.

There was a girl there for a while, i dunno if i mentioned her, but easy-come-easy-go on that. someone else, apparently. Not that broken up about it, i'd liken it more to a pie in the face than a slap. I wanted to cool things off before i even knew, and i guess i've been outdrawn. I swear, i'm not even sad about it, i feel almost cozy knowing that life goes on. I feel worried about it going on in the same fashion as it has. a week or two. a month, three months, then it's up. Move on. again.

It doesn't hurt, but it provokes thoughts i don't like. Makes me wonder if i'm the kind of person i always thought i was. when i think about it, my hands shake. i'm tired but i'm not sleeping. i'm kind of just meandering around the idea. maybe i shouldn't have gone off my pills. I don't know how i'm really gonna pay for them now.

oh yeah, also i'm broke as fuck and, i suspect, unemployable. that's fun.

i liken my relationships with women to working a job. no, not because i ever worked that hard at either. it's because the only one i can point to that i'm proud of or that i learned anything from was handed to me. i've earned neither. kind of makes me feel like a real asshole.

maybe that's not entirely true, but it feels that way.

Anyway, about time to wrap this up.

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