I'm recently single, two months out of a 2 year relationship. I'm 22. I'm not really sad about it, i'm just angry most of the time, i haven't grieved or cried since it happened. I deal with things pretty quickly, there's just a bunch of bile left over that i'm still working through. So i shouldn't be getting into a new relationship right now, i know that. I don't have any real desire for that. Some people hop from one person to another, that seems to work for some (it's been recommended to me) but i'm not that sort of person. I just want to be single for a while, and not in a "playa" sort of way, just autonomous. I feel like i've earned that.
The problem is that i don't know how, really. My entire context, the life i've built for myself, or the one i fell into and marinated in for the past two years, is over now. My life wasn't about me, it was about her, and now she's out of the picture and i've got this mummified, neglected self to contend with now. It's like waking up from a coma in a lot of ways. I haven't developed as a person at all, i've really just wound myself around another person and lost time. The cost was high, and i'm not presuming it wasn't for both parties. But i'm only worried about myself.
So how does a person deal with this? I think a relationship would be about the worst thing i could get myself into. But i know that edging away from women and pulling back into a shell is also the worst thing i could do, cause i've been doing it and i feel like i'm disappearing.
I need help, i think. I think that's what i need. Do i rely on myself here? Clearly i didn't know best before or i'd have never let this happen, what's to suggest that i should trust myself now? And other people? what the fuck do they know?
Am i just coming back into focus, or have i been cut out of the background? Should I Stay or Should I Go? I hate to suggest it, but from a developmental standpoint, i may have wasted the last two years of my life. I feel like i've explored the idea of a "sunk cost" on here before, it's when you invest money that you cannot get back. How much energy did i spend, how much of myself did i channel into it? I almost don't want an answer, it would be too humiliating in light of the complete failure it amounted to. All is well and truly lost now. There's no getting it back, no past i really have an interest in returning to, no deeper knowledge gleaned. No growth occurred. I'm exactly the same 20 year old i was at the beginning, but now i can buy liquor and my GPA is a full point lower. Where, indeed, have i gone? What have i accomplished? I haven't found anything worthwhile in the aftermath.
They bailed and bailed the water, because they liked the shape of the boat. But nonetheless it sank beneath the waves, its crew and cargo swallowed, its investors jilted.
This is what a movie must feel like when it's been on "pause" for a long time, and doesn't want to start up immediately when you push play. Maybe it's just time, i've got to spool up a little bit here, get my feet on the ground and my head on straight. Maybe. I don't know.
2 comments:
I like this post.
I've spent the last two years helping my girlfriend deal with her problems, or maybe just her boredom, and now that its over I feel alienated and kinda used. I wasted my first two years in college without earning many friends or even memories. A waste of time and I'm a bit stuck on what to do next.
Anyway, thanks for a post that I came relate to. Helps a bit
yeah, i'm out of the "fixing people" business myself. Thanks for the readership and i'm glad it helped. Thats unexpected and really makes me feel good.
We'll make it. Stay busy, grief is a species of idleness.
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