So i've come back home for a week. I hadn't really planned to be back here anytime soon and i didn't really tell anyone i was coming back until they were making the final boarding call, so i guess i surprised some people.
Coming back home is i strange sort of transformation for me. I sleep strange hours, i see people i haven't seen in a while, i hear strange news from strange people. I don't feel like myself here, like i've reinvented who i am in my new home. So it makes it a bit of a crisis of self when i come back home and remember the person i used to be, and try to act like that person again for the benefit of all my old friends.
This is sounding awfully teen-aged, i know, but often the corniest/emo-est explanation is the best one. I am not who i was, i have undergone a gradual change in what i think to be a positive direction.
I miss seattle, i miss the people and the weather and the coffee. there's something i could bitch about for hours. the coffee here is absolute garbage.
Here is a list of sex tips i wrote up a little while ago, and i never finished them.
Sex Tips from Allen:
FOR THE GENTLEMEN
1 - When making love to a very special lady, it is important that you never, ever stop yelling your father's name and spitting everywhere. Otherwise she may not think you are truly up for the primal task of coupling with her.
2 - Always smoke cigarettes before, during and after coitus. It will inhibit kissing, and for good reason. there are times to kiss, and there are times to copulate, and the two do not mix well. avoid eye contact like the plague.
3 - During the foreplay period, you should divulge your deepest, darkest desires in the form of impromptu banjo-driven folk music. If you're probably going to need a condom, you are just as likely to need your banjo and overalls. Preparedness is the mark of any eligible gentleman.
4 - The actual fucking should last somewhere between ten and twenty minutes, depending on how attractive the lady is. Your smoking hand should never touch the lady in question, and your off hand should never leave her mouth. This will keep her from embarassing herself and make it possible for you to pretend that her guttural vowel-sounds are actually her attempts at quoting GWAR lyrics, which will no doubt strengthen your manhood from tip to hilt. If she agrees to actually quote GWAR lyrics beforehand, then this maneuver is not necessary.
FOR THE LADIES:
1 - Your name is Kristy. You will respond only to Kristy.
2 - Loon noises, while not reqired, may be appreciated by your partner. Goose noises, however, are right out.
3 - If you could quote some GWAR lyrics while we're doing it then i promise i'll let you breathe through your mouth. otherwise: no dice, sugar.
4 - Men love teeth. It's one of those "i say no when i mean yes" sorts of things.
5 - Twitch violently and often. Also, sleeping after sex is discouraged, so you must stay awake all night and make sure that your partner is still breathing every hour, on the hour. Men love to be woken up every hour. You're a big girl, you should know this.
