ESSAY ON PORNOGRAPHY (Episode 1)

It's interesting to think about "Rule 34". If you're unfamiliar with the term, then please stop reading now, close your computer and never turn it on again. If you aren't willing to do this, then please try to hold onto your humanity for the next couple minutes. I cannot promise that you will ever be able to sleep properly again after seeing this shit.

UH, I AM INTRIGUED AND HAVE LITTLE REGARD FOR MY OWN SOUL. CONTINUE ON, ALLEN.

Alright. For those of you who didn't take my advice, Rule 34 simply states that, if one can imagine something, then somewhere somebody has created porn of it on the internet. So, ever thought about what it would be like if Kim Possible and Esurance girl ever had a threesome with Dr. Robotnik? I am willing to bet my life that a picture of that exists somewhere where Google Safesearch won't let you go (and for damn good reason).

Someone - somewhere - is jerking off to this.

ALLEN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, I KNOW THAT PORNOGRAPHY CAN GET A LITTLE WEIRD SOMETIMES, I AM A SEASONED GOOGLE USER, AND I'VE EXPERIENCED ALL OF THIS FIRST HAND

Stay with me, i'm arriving at my point pretty soon. We've all heard of Furries and Slash-Fic and Hentai. That shit isn't new to anyone, and it now has a comedic place in the collective conscious of people like us. It's a running joke that we're all in on. Hell, maybe you're at the point where you know what "Vore" entails and can make merry mocking it. If not, a link has been provided to further your scholarship of the depraved. Of course, all of these different brands of fucked-uppedness have melded together and branched apart to claim new ground for pornography. Here is an example:

Pictured: The Cutting Edge of Human Sexuality's Evolution

WELL, THE INTERNET WAS CREATED AS A STEP TOWARD TOTAL FREEDOM, IT WOULD LOGICALLY FOLLOW THAT OUR GENERALLY PERVY NATURE WOULD FLOURISH IN SUCH AN OPEN ENVIRONMENT. GET TO YOUR POINT. ALSO, YOU ARE VERY DAMAGED FOR KNOWING THAT PICTURE EXISTS.

Calm down, this all seems pretty intuitive so far, right? when you remove all accountability, people will be as poisonous and disgusting as they can be, it's a law of nature, and rule 34 just gives it a quantifiable name. The internet can be viewed as a Petri-dish for this kind of thing, growing "cultures" (nudge nudge) where none would have existed. I think it's my role as a blogger to study and make conclusions about those cultures, particularly the culture of pornography.

Pictured: The Blogger, at home

JUST SHUT UP AND SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY. I HAVE TO UPDATE MY SLASHFIC BLOG.

Alright, alright. ladies and gentlemen, i give you:
The most fucked up website i have ever encountered.
(Please do not look at this at school or work)

... WHAT?

no, just keep clicking around. I'll wait.

... I-... IS THAT AN EAGLE?

You tell me, dude.

I... I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE IN GOD ANYMORE.

Yep. Welcome to the party. Oh, you should check out the places where he edited clips from Dragonheart so they'd give him an erection. He also did that to Oblivion and Jaws Unleashed.
YOU... YOU MONSTER. YOU'RE A GOD DAMN MONSTER! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

No, no, it's not me, i didn't make any of this stuff. I just thought it was really funny and..

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW! I'M CALLING THE AUTHORITIES

Wait, i can explain: This is hilarious! if we look at it like an equation, where a= how wrong something is, b= time to adjust to the fact that it exists, and c= how funny it becomes over time, then...
LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW, IF YOU SAY ONE MORE GODDAMN WORD I'LL USE THIS BAT, I'M NOT KIDDING! JUST STOP TALKING AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

... it would logically follow that, with time, this could become the funniest thing ever? right? right?
HELLO, OPERATOR? YES, THERE'S A MAN HERE WHO WON'T LEAVE MY HOME. NO, I WON'T HOLD. YES. YES, HE'S ARMED. ARMED WITH FILTH. NO...YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME TO EXPLAIN. I REFUSE TO EXPLAIN. JUST SEND SOMEONE OVER BEFORE I'M FORCED TO DEFEND MYSELF.

Just calm down, please. It's not a big deal! i'm sure one day we'll laugh about this, right? Don't be such a prude. It's just a raptor, fully realized in 3D, being strapped to a table while a mechanical...

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

*thunk*

OW! OKAY, I'm leaving! I'm so sorry i brought it up! please hold back your brutal beating long enough for me to get out the door...

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!


*thunk, crunch, thunk, snap*


Oh god, the pain!


*WEEEEEEEEEEE-oooooooooooooooh, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-oooooooooooooooooh*


HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
OH, OFFICER, THANK GOD YOU SHOWED UP IN TIME! LOOK WHAT THIS PERVERT DID!

TO BE CONTINUED...